Just a little over a month ago, I had to say good-bye to my Memaw. After a year long battle with pancreatic cancer, it finally took its toll on her body and took her down...quickly. It was so strange because she had done so well for the whole year. She had not only been
living with pancreatic cancer for a year...she had been
thriving with pancreatic cancer for year. Its hard to look back over this past year and really remember all that she was going through. I remember many times being at her house and watching her walk out the door for numerous doctor appt's, procedures, tests, etc. But, she was always the strong one. We would all fall apart, but she always seemed so "ok".
I never thought I would be so thankful that a few years ago she asked me and Rachel to start cleaning her house. In the busyness of lives, it's hard to make that time to go and just "visit". But, with us cleaning every other week, it allowed us so much time to go and be with her and Pepaw. My kids were able to spend lots of time there and they too became closer to Memaw because of it.
The last few weeks with her were H-A-R-D. It didn't really become evident what was happening until probably the very last 2 weeks. There were days that we thought she'd stay around for many more months, and then there were days that we thought she wouldn't make it through the day. It was hard for me to know when she was in her "right" mind. I always wonder when her mind took her from
wondering why we were all there so much to
knowing why we were all there so much. It was really hard when she was finally reduced to only being in the bed. I remember watching mom, Barbara, and Bethie take care of her at her bedside. There were many moments of laughter when Memaw would "wake up" and start trying to figure out who was cooking dinner and getting Pepaw where he needed to be, etc. She was worrying and planning literally up to the VERY end! One day, mom and I were sitting with her, and mom told her that it was ALL taken care of and that she didn't need to worry about anything at all. Memaw did a huge SIGH, and said "oh, thank you" and shut her eyes again. It was like the weight of the world had been taken off of her shoulders. Her 87 years of worrying were finally released. LOL
Being with the family was the best part of the whole situation. There were many times that we would laugh until we cried.
The very last days were the hardest. I had done lots of research on what all happens to a body in the last days of pancreatic cancer. Sure enough, each time I went by there, it seemed as though another "sign" was pointing her to the end. I woke up on Sunday morning, April 26th, and felt a horrible gut feeling of overwhelming anxiety. I texted my mom before church and wondered if that day would be "the day". We all went over there after church and then I went back over there that afternoon. She was in bad shape. She didn't wake up at all and the sound of "death rattles" filled her room. Pepaw sat sweetly by her and held her hand. He sang to her and fulfilled his vow of "til death do us part".
I've never been more thankful to be able to have that "closure" with her. When my other Grandma died almost 2 years ago, I had no idea until after it happened, and I never got that opportunity with her. Closure is so important; especially when it comes to death.
So many came to her visitation and funeral. It was wonderful to see so many faces of people from our past. We became reconnected with friends that we haven't seen in years, and my mom was even able to go on a girls trip with 3 sisters that she has known most of her life, but had lost touch with.
It was hard to walk up to the casket and say that final "goodbye". Oh, what a wonderful Memaw she was. I have nothing but good memories of her and I will miss her forever.
What brought me to write this blog was when I was cleaning her house yesterday. That's what she would've wanted me to keep on doing. Even though it doesn't get too dirty anymore, she always loved a clean house! Every time I clean now, her voice follows me into every room. Each room brings me happiness and sadness. I can still hear her voice and her presence is still all over that house. I took a few pictures to remind me of things about her.
There was a bird that built a nest and had babies right after Memaw passed away. Pepaw enjoyed watching them every day until they flew away. Even though the nest is now empty, we know that the memories will remain forever!
These are just a few things that sit around her room and haven't changed. I can't bring myself to unplug her toothbrush, file her books away on a shelf, hang up her purse, or put her slippers up.
And lastly, she always wanted me to keep this clean. She wanted this window clean and her little hummingbird to be hanging right there. :)
Our promise to Memaw remains...we WILL take care of Peeps! We will make sure he is ok until the Lord is ready to reunite them. I will never forget hearing him say to her as he said his final goodbye at her casket: "Jump for Joy because I will be there soon!"
