Ringin' in the New Year

3 days after Christmas, we packed up and headed to mom's cabin in Gatlinburg to spend some time away. As you can see from a few posts ago, since we missed out on our annual Hilton Head trip this year, we have all yearned for a getaway together! Like, seriously...I have been physically craving a trip with my family. We knew we couldn't spend a lot, so I asked mom back in November if we could have her cabin for New Years and thankfully, she said yes!
I'm not sure I can even put into words what this trip has done for me. Not only has it brought our little family closer than ever, but it has healed my heart and my soul that have been broken for months. I can barely type this without bursting into tears, but I have been broken for the past 6 months or so. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Just broken. Shattered. My spirit has not only been broken, but stomped on and demolished. I have endured the hardest 6 months of my life and I have been begging God for a break. I needed something to feel renewed. I thought that Christmas did it for me, but I still felt myself fighting "that feeling" for those few days after Christmas.
Now, after 5 FULL days with just my foursome, I feel better than I have felt in months. I am not fighting any feelings away. I feel like me again. I have the drive and desire and the want to improve and make myself better this year. The dread is gone. The sadness is gone. It is like God poured Himself out over me for the past 5 days and showed me what life it all about. I have been more content than I have felt in months. Just spending time with my family has done me better than good. Just when I think that God has forgotten about me again, He unknowingly leads us up a mountain (literally), through a blizzard (literally). and places us on a mountaintop to see the most magnificent sunset I have ever seen. God knows me. He knows I am insanely obsessed with sunsets. So, what did He do? He gave me what my heart yearned for. And, He let me experience it with the 3 people that I love more than life! He let us see and experience the wonders of His beauty in more ways than I thought could happen over the course of 5 days.
I was blessed to say goodbye to 2012 (Praise the Lord) and hello to 2013 with my sweet family by going on a beautiful hike, seeing about 100 deer, driving, talking, eating at our favorite place, and chillin' in the hottub. What more could a girl ask for?
Literally, as the countdown was happening for the ball to drop, I was praying to myself. I was asking God to please, please, please show me what He wants from me in 2013. I am not going to be shallow this year and begin my year only concerned with losing a few pounds as a resolution. I want my resolution this year to be so much more than that. I want to fully and completely seek what God wants from me. He knows how much I hate change, yet He has allowed so many changes in my life over these past few months. So, instead of fighting the changes and being afraid and battling extreme anxiety, I am going to resolve to just trust Him. I saw someone on Twitter say that God has our 2013 already planned and He desires to see us dancing joyfully throughout the whole year, no matter what our plans. So, I want to dance. And, I want to dance with joy.
Thank you mom for letting us have your cabin for this week. You will probably never know what sacrifice you really made by allowing us to take up this week. And, thank you God for letting me begin 2013 with the people I cherish the most. Thank you for bringing me out of darkness into the light and for giving me time to just relax and reflect. Forgive me for not seeing how blessed I am.
So, my word for 2013 is "HOPE". I am hopeful that this year will be better than last. I am hopeful that those around me who are hurting will be healed. I am hopeful that the next change that comes my way will be embraced by me, instead of fought against. I am hopeful that my marriage will only get better. I am hopeful that I will intentionally invest in my children lives. I am hopeful that I will make a difference in someone's life. And, lastly, I am hopeful that I will be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend to all of those around me. I am no longer waiting FOR hope. I am waiting WITH hope.

Christmas 2012...come and gone

In the blink of an eye, another Christmas has gone by. As much as I was not looking forward to the holidays this year, God definitely worked on my heart and I changed my attitude just in time.
As horrific as the Connecticut shooting was, I think it was THAT tragedy that caused me to change my ways. For days, it caused me to reflect on my own life and to see just how blessed I am. I was able to look forward to Christmas with my kids. I was able to go out and buy them gifts. I was able to go to their Christmas parties and programs. I was able to count down to when Santa came and go to church with them and just be with them. So many moms in Connecticut got that stolen away from them way too early.
Real Christmas for us started the Saturday before Christmas when Mom and Butch took us all to eat dinner at Ruth's Chris. It was so fun to get dressed up and go to a VERY nice dinner with the family. It was so delicious and there was lots of great conversation and laughter that made it even more fun. Dennis and I even did a late night trip to Toys R Us after dinner and finished up our shopping! I got just a few stares inside the ghetto Rivergate Toys R Us since we were so dressed up!

Sunday, we headed to Opryland Hotel for our 2nd annual overnight stay with the kids. They were so excited! They kept saying how excited they were to go to the "biggest hotel"! We had a great time. We were so blessed to be able to do it. I thought that it was something we were going to have to give up this year because of our finances, but Dennis worked it out by purchasing a Black Friday special! He knew how much fun we had last year and there's just something special about being at that hotel right at Christmastime.

Monday morning, we got up and went to Deb's for Christmas! It was great! Lots of fun presents and laughter!

We went straight from there to church for the Christmas Eve service. We took the kids into the service with us for the first time and they loved it.

We went to mom's straight from church and opened presents and had the most delicious dinner EVER. Oh my...it was seriously the best meal I have ever had!!!! We had so much fun opening gifts and I love hearing the kids squeal when they get something that they are excited about. We looked up at one point and we saw Sadie coming in through the back door downstairs. When my mom asked where she had been, Sadie said "I thought I heard jingle bells outside". So sweet!

We headed home and put out the reindeer food and set out cookies and milk for Santa.

This is always my favorite time...I love the excitement that the kids feel when they are ready to take their baths and get ready for bed. There is nothing sweeter than watching the magic in their eyes and the wonder of how in the world does Santa really do what he does...and do I really have to be asleep in order for him to come?? And, will he come at all? I. Love. It.
So, after we read the Christmas story and tucked the munchkins into bed, I went to the kitchen to make monkey bread and banana bread, and Dennis headed upstairs to start putting stuff together. I didn't go to bed until after 1:00...Dennis didn't come to bed until 3:00 a.m.!!!! He was also doing BBQ, which is what kept him up so late.

The kids woke up around 7:30 and were UNBELIEVABLY excited!!!!

We had them sit in Sadie's room until we were ready and then we let them come in. These faces were priceless!

They had so much fun opening their presents and seeing what all Santa brought. It was a LOT of fun for all of us! This was the first year EVER that Dennis and I didn't buy each other gifts. I thought I would be sad, but I wasn't at all. I found my joy in my kids excitement that morning, instead of material things. I also remembered a million times through the day WHAT the TRUE meaning of that day was and WHY we even celebrate that day. It was a very happy, content day for me.

I continue to be so thankful that Dennis and I made the decision after Sawyer was born to stay home all day on Christmas Day. It is such a peaceful day. I love letting the kids play all day and hang out together and eat, and not have to worry one bit about even leaving the house. It is such a blessing!!!
I look back on this Christmas and am thankful. I was so afraid at the beginning of December that I was going to look back on Christmas and regret it this year because of the way that I was feeling, but I am thankful that God changed my heart and I was able to enjoy all aspects of it.

Tragedy in Connecticut

As I sit here, just 10 days shy of Christmas Eve, watching the tragic news of the shooting at the elementary school in Connecticut, I can't even wrap my mind around it. One of my first thoughts was obviously...what if it were my child?

My sister and I were sitting in Chocolate Covered Strawberry when I saw the information on my Facebook. I immediately started to cry, not being able to fathom if I heard it had happened at my kids' school. I mainly thought of Sadie, b/c she is in Kindergarten, and the majority (possibly all) of the students that were killed were in Kindergarten as well. Would she even know what to do if a gunman came into her classroom and started shooting people? Probably not. At 5 years old, these poor kids were just sitting in class enjoying their day. More than likely coloring a picture of Santa Clause or practicing math by counting Elves or Snowmen. Maybe even decorating Gingerbread houses, just like Sadie's class did earlier this week. These precious kids are too young to know that when something like this happens, they need to hide, or be afraid, or try to run. Their minds cannot comprehend what is going on fast enough because their sweet innocence doesn't allow them to know these things yet. I pray to God that it all happened so quickly...that they never had the chance to be scared...that their tiny eyes were somehow shielded from seeing their "BFF" killed right before their eyes...that they didn't even have the chance to feel the need to run or wonder what was going to happen next.

I keep thinking about all of those sweet older sisters who sat in the 4th grade of that same school, wondering if their little sister was ok down the hall. Or, that precious little brother who won't have his big sis come home from school today, which is what he excitedly waits on every single day. Be still my heart.

I just keep trying to picture Jesus waiting for each and every one of them as they skipped and probably RAN into Heaven straight into His arms, where they will forever feel safe and secure. Even if they were scared for a second in their classroom, they will never, ever feel fear again. He will love on them and sing with them and promise them that their mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters will be there soon.

Dear God, PLEASE have mercy on those parents who have lost their babies in this tragedy. I pray that each of them will see HIS love through this. Somehow. Someway.

I have no other words than these. Just pure sadness. Devastation. Disgust.

Counting my Blessings

After re-reading my last post, I saw how sad it sounded. I almost went back and deleted it, but I want to remember how I felt.

I DO want to re-iterate though, that I feel blessed.

I am beyond blessed with a precious husband. We are so much alike, yet very different. We are definitely each others' ying and yang, which works perfectly...most of the time. I feel like we were cut from the same mold, which isn't really possible, but whatever. Maybe its because we are both the "youngest"...who knows. I know he's always got my back. Always. I still see the same look in his eye as I did when we met and fell in love almost 20 years ago. Yikes.

I have a precious little girl who is the apple of my eye. I see a lot of myself in her and a little bit of Dennis. I am sure that will change through the years, but that is how I view her for now. She is full of love and if she ever says something hurtful, it's not on purpose...I know that. She is a people-pleaser, if I have ever seen one! She has never talked back to me, said she didn't love me, stomped away, or shown me one tiny sign that I should worry about our years ahead. (again, I know that will probably change)

I have a precious little boy who gives the BEST hugs. He squeezes me tighter and tighter every morning when I go and pick his sleepy body up out of bed. His legs are hanging longer on my body, but I want to never stop picking him up and carrying him out of bed. Then, I might miss those tight squeezes. He runs (literally) to me several times a day and throws himself into me just to hug me...for no reason, and then he will go right back to what he was doing. He is a LOT of Dennis and a little of me. I am okay with that. He is a lover, not a fighter. He is a rule-follower, which is rare in a young boy! He is also a people-pleaser, which I think is rare to have 2 of...?? But, his daddy and I are the same way, so maybe that's where both of our kids get it.

I can cry because I am so loved, not because I am not loved enough. I can be happy because I am blessed with a wonderful family, not because I have enough "things". I can take time to decide which friend to call on, instead of wishing I had a friend at all.

Life is not always sunshine and roses, but I do need to take the time to remember how lucky I am.